I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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