Pappa wants mamma naked
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
no you cant smoke seaweed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
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