Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
