I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
