I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
