This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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