if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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