Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
