I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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