Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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