Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
