Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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