I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
