there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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