So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
