I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
