Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
