put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
