Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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