so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
