a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
