Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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