Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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