just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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