Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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