what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
