I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
