Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
