Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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