Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
