Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
