I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
