she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
