Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
