the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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