I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize