I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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