The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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