So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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