Say something about gay babies.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
