Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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