dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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