I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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