i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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