she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
