I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
