I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
