Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
