Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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