i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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