I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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